In the worldy roles I play, in which I frequently mentor people and determine some degree of “truth” to assist others in their spiritual and psychological evolution – a big responsibility is placed on me.
It’s usually some version of “How do you know you’re correct, and not just falling for some kind of fantasy yourself?”
This type of skepticism is totally legitimate and I encourage it.
Not asking questions like this is dangerous. Taking my word on my trustworthiness would completely subvert one’s own experience.
Sometimes a person I am talking to has intense skepticism about my perspective and frankly, whether I am a power-hungry narcissistic abuser or if I am genuinely there for benevolent reasons.
It’s really not an unreasonable question when narcissistic abuse is literally all someone has ever experienced.
It totally makes sense why someone would question my motives, and why I would be “guilty until proven innocent”.
And I do have my own human motives, wherein I need to make money to make a living, I need to ensure my loved ones are taken care of, I have my own fears and angers that need to be processed, and I have a desire to move my life forward one step at a time.
The biggest question seems to be: How can I be certain I am not using my influence to feel important and to lord over others, to become a manipulative father with authority over others?
The answer has a few parts. Firstly, I do have an ego and I do have parts that want power and control. It’s up to me to observe and manage those parts.
If I pretended they didn’t exist, I would indeed be dangerous. If I gave them the steering wheel, I’d be driving like a maniac.
Those parts have very little power in me, and lose power every day. Because I am their steward. They are my children. I am not beholden to their outbursts, I have the self-discipline to listen to their true needs under their demands.
At the same time, I have learned to express the anger in my body without identifying as it, without believing that the entitled expression means I am in fact as entitled at the expression says it is.
I am transparent with myself about these processes inside of me, because I value others too much to allow them to be subjected to mind games.
I am writing this specifically because I value others and want them to have a new way to relate to and value their inner world – I am not interested in impressing anyone or convincing anyone.
I have lost many friends being this way – and every single one of them has been unwilling to speak to me. Every single relational rupture was made on a rationale of assumptions about my motives.
One of the main ways in which I gauge my own trustworthiness is that I can clearly recognize where my talent and fulfillment lies.
I genuinely have no emotional charge or perceived benefit on lording over anyone.
My real work is not in being a “coach” or guide – I certainly have this ability but my passion is as a filmmaker and immersive artist.
I have no question about my genuine interests. If I did have a question, I’d be unconsciously trying to achieve the feeling I am serving my “purpose” as being a guide for others.
I strongly feel that “purpose” is overrated. It appeases the ego.
The mind thinks we need a purpose. We actually don’t.
I believe our purpose is to be alive and create what we want to create, and that evolves day to day.
If we are beating ourselves up about not finding a fulfilling purpose, rectifying this does not come from getting what we think we want – that just pacifies the agitated animal so it can sleep again.
Actual fulfillment comes from honoring the genuine impulse of consciousness from moment to moment as a continuous stream.
Of course, we need to meet our human needs, and we may do that in ideal ways, but that is not the point of living.
It’s a side effect.
In previous versions of myself, I’ve fallen into that image trap where looking the part helped me to survive. I know how it works.
The mind is not meant to be satiated, it is meant to be dissolved.
I trust myself because I take responsibility for my thoughts, without making them wrong.
I am submitted to consciousness, however, it chooses to unfold. It has very much proven itself trustworthy and so my human is humble to that.
The way things move forward is not within control of my habitual preferences.
