The reason why men are drawn to try to dominate women is that they do not know how to be with (aka lovingly dominate) themselves.
Oftentimes, the man faces the problem of inertia.
Inert = stationary and unmoving.
Lack of energy.
It is often easier for a man to be energized as a reaction toward a woman via lust or fear or anger, and to dominate her is seemingly the easy way to move forward and to get out of pain.
But it is always a band-aid. It is not going to “fix” the underlying imbalance.
Of course, women sometimes like to be dominated. It can potentially create a feeling of safety. But this is also a band-aid. The soul does not want to be dominated, the ego does. Succumbing to a skewed sense of safety is exactly what creates toxic relating.
In a broad sense, the feminine is represented by everything physically manifested, and this includes our bodies.
If a man’s body seemingly lacks energy, he may feel subtly victimized by the physical (the feminine).
And so men have a tendency to “use” women as a means of getting energy and motivation.
Nothing is wrong with motivation to travel from one realm to another, but repeatedly depending on that motivation is not a sustainable endeavor. It is a beautiful thing when a man is motivated toward introspection because he wants to more deeply honor his woman. But it is not sustainable – it is a call for honoring his own body: permanently. If she disappears from his life, he is left with only his own body to care for.
During the process of overcoming trauma skewed relating, women act as the body of the relationship. It is usually the woman’s body that first detects discomfort (lack of care) and it is usually the women’s body that more frequently craves touch and togetherness. The woman’s body is generally training the man’s body toward the more subtle nuances of true care.
When a man dominates, the woman is often sacrificing her sovereignty in exchange for perceived safety. Her mind may want safety, but deeper down she knows that being dominated is not a sustainable answer. What generally sparks her feelings of safety in this is that the man “can and will” dominate should he choose to do so. It is her primal trust in his abilities and his realized potential which she swoons for, not necessarily the “act” of dominating. The taboo of the desire is actually the fuel of the desire itself.
In a sense, the woman is helping the man to become self-reliant so that he can train his body to be energized. To train to dominate himself. Women tend to be more generous and flexible with how they use their bodies, and this enormous gift is generally not relatable and thus is rarely perceived accurately by men.
When domination turns “dark”, such as through objectification or creating injuries, this is a result of avoidance of the truth of the desired care. Domination itself becomes old news when it is no longer novel. When so much responsibility is taken and normalized, one can move on from such a demonstration.
Men who are taught and trained to “be more dominant” in their relating are often looking at it from a skewed perspective. In doing so, it may “work” to get the results they want, but not necessarily for the reasons they believe. If it does not create more genuine closeness and intimacy, it will inevitably be exposed as abusive. It will inevitably be seen as a “tactic” and not authenticity. Once the show is over, real courage is still necessary to reveal our hearts and minds to our loved one.
To overcome Inertia need not involve intimate relating. It can of course be one path, but relating can be so much softer and many times sweeter when it is clear that there are many other options of pathways to energize us without using one another as strategic means to an end.
Thanks for reading