I have sometimes experienced great difficulty in differentiating between my ways of being.
When I am with someone in person, looking in their eyes, I am usually very present to the truth of the moment.
However, when I have been typing on a screen, writing a post or chatting with someone, specifically not looking in anyone’s eyes – not connecting with anyone real, I have tended to write from my mind. From my intellect rather than from my true knowing.
The intellect is great, and I have certainly shared valuable things. But it’s different than the real knowing. Anyone who is sensitive can easily tune in and feel it.
This has been particularly challenging in close relating. I have not been able to recognize the difference between communicating from my autistic mind-guy vs my truly embodied soul. What has appeared to me as simple chatting has come across as distressing for others.
What I thought was funny over chat has not properly translated and has come across entirely differently. What I thought were innocent curiosities have come across as airy and pointless meandering. What I considered sharing and providing valuable insights has come across as irrelevant and out of touch.
This has really only ever happened over text, or being physically separated from others. I have only ever lost friends over text, not being in people’s presence. This is so fascinating to me.
I could make a list of every friendship which was ruptured and I can identify that every rupture lacked a simple face-to-face conversation.
I have previously seen the issue that I am simply “misunderstood”, and this is partially true, but there has also been a misunderstanding of myself when I am the common denominator in each of these issues.
Now I can see much more clearly than ever the emotional repression and holding patterns that have a tendency to take over much more frequently when I am alone. This has caused me to crave being in connection, which then has created an aversion to needing others.
As I continuously move my awareness underneath all of these structures, there is a beautiful grace wanting to come through. I look forward to sharing more of this. Thanks for reading.