Dear Men.
A woman’s perspective, felt experience, and developmental process is considerably different than a man’s.
For a man, understanding a woman’s communication style and underlying agenda is often highly counterintuitive and thus is seems incredibly mysterious.
It is in fact incredibly simple. Men tend to make things much more complex than they really are.
For a man to notice the urge to sometimes correct her, and take a breath instead, he can prioritize the cultivation of trust. He can even laugh at his own urge to correct her and he can even share his process with her and further build trust.
The boy who was not fully differentiated from his mother is constantly trying to prove women wrong, and he doesn’t realize his underlying motives in doing so. Throwing facts in her face to “win” an argument creates a lose/lose situation for everyone.
When she accuses him of not being trustworthy – he can simply hold her and tell her he’s got her. In other words, he can see it as a process instead of taking the words literally, and most importantly he can BE trustworthy instead of arguing about it. Taking things personally is what makes him NOT trustworthy.
Perhaps a part of her is fearful and she wants to control him like he’s a boy. This is totally normal. It doesn’t need to be demonized or corrected. If he loses focus on himself, if he is pulled out of himself at fearful demands, he is allowing himself to be controlled in the process of resisting control. By fighting the “Chinese finger trap“ he falls into it.
She doesn’t want to be with a boy – she wants to be with a man. So if he responds with anger, to her treating him like a boy, he is proving his immaturity.
She wants to know she can trust herself in choosing a partner. She is asking for his help in feeling confident in their partnership, help in validating her choice in being with him.
If they are in conflict, he should know what percentage clarity he has on the issue. 20% or 50% or 100%? He should be transparent with himself and with her about this. Make space for learning from her if it is less than 100%.
He needs to be especially gentle when he is 100% clear because she will arrive there eventually and she just needs to go through a process to arrive there. Keep the trust of the connection as the top priority.
She’s going to get to her clarity by being fully heard and having the freedom to express herself.
If the man is always trying to figure out what she wants, he doesn’t understand that she deeply wants what he wants. If she has to choose, she’d better be deeply passionate about it. Otherwise, it’s just a placeholder guess. What is he indulging when he asks what she wants? Is he wanting her approval and permission? Or is he genuinely looking for the truth of who they are as a team?
What do women actually want underneath their sensemaking? They want to relax. They want to feel safe. Therefore, her nervous system makes your discernment more accurate.
Her nervous system is habitually focused on how it is needed. This is healthy if used appropriately. Most often this ability is exploited because of programming which reinforces “My deepest needs are not capable of being met”.
This has created an identity of pushing past, ignoring, avoiding, even punishing the “begging for love” of the inner child.
This “pushing past“ reflects her primary masculine caregiver – AKA the ”strongest“ person in their life regardless of gender. This is represented as the ”Holy Father“, which again could be represented by a mirror of a feminine body. This essential disrespect is the foundation of the gender movement, which physically reflects the ”casting away“ of gender if it is to be used to control us.
When a woman inherits traditional gender programming as cultural and generational trauma, she may often think that engaging her masculine is beneficial, even if it’s not. Hyper-masculinity. It is absolutely possible for a woman to have a very powerful healthy masculine, she just arrives into this and through this through opposite mechanisms of a man. Both arrive at nothing but they are polar opposite inverted pathways.
Her inner child expects and hopes for you to take care of everything on your own, else she will become disappointed in you thereby revealing the inherent masculine arrogance mirrored from the “strongest” person in their family. This is where her power is stored and she arrives back into her nature when she allows her power to come back to her through her disappointment channel. Noticing how disappointment has been a seductive escape from the unprocessed pain of self-connection.
The refusal to relax disappointment, which is also the refusal to be happy, keeps the opinionates walls of the false front persona intact. To vibrate loose the frozen denial within this persona, one must willingly opt-in to the approval of this insistent victim. Thereby seeing the languageless true self under the veneer of labels.
This victimhood is a tempting hole to fall into when speaking to a partner because the slavery lusting scarcity rationale wants to maintain both a social hierarchy and an internal armoring at the same time. And so to accomplish this lack of true intimacy (due to secretly split attention), the mirrored distorted masculine may attempt to play the role of the therapist as a means of scrounging for a foothold rather than intentionally allowing the truth to simply fall out of the tempting hole of indulgence.
By allowing the consciousness to fall out of the hole intentionally, while allowing the body to be wherever it needs to be: Disconnective and competitive processing gets replaced by resolution. This requires expertise in differentiating between the felt qualities of consciousness, emotion, and body. This differentiation is the truth masculine = the mechanics and law[s] operating the universe.
Forcing them to take accountability is a fixing energy. This comes from the “idealizer”, the narcissistic aspect. An Innocent, underdeveloped self. It is not a life sentence, it just needs to be worked with even more care than working with a child (because of the complex defense mechanisms and booby traps in place).
Because she energetically represents the Earth in the relationship, and he the Sun, He receives her “strongest” parent masculine energy and he views it as a distorted masculine being coming of the Earth and causing him to desire returning to the sun – the etheric realm of infinite information and potential.
Because he is retreating to the ethers for information which [incorrectly] appears to contain, he fails to simply be available for the very simple reality right in front of his face. He doesn’t realize that Instead of pointing out that the need exists, he has an opportunity to melt through the stubbornness refusing to just meet the need. It could take a lifetime for a man to realize the benefits of fully and completely meeting the challenging [emotional] need. By making a safe space for a deeply tender acknowledgment, he requires a short burst of totally positive and powerful focus. It requires trust and vulnerability to be delivered in effective honesty. It is fully by holy Faith and holy Knowledge from holy Origin.
Consistent action melts through her belief that “he doesn’t really care about me”. When he sees and is willing to compassionately shed a tender light on the ways in which he himself is benefitting from his commitment to her, her needs and desires are absolutely holy gems of existence, tailored just for him.
To connect deeply to a partner means being vulnerable ourselves. Slipping out of object consciousness and into the realm of absolute trust, allowing the absolute deepest and most core story to unfold through us collectively.
Where don’t I want to get love?
Am I afraid that I am giving my love to the “wrong” person?
Is there such a thing as the wrong person, vs the one who is right in front of me?
What feels like the inevitable truth of my heart?
Where does being loving feel like a betrayal to myself somehow?
If he believes she doesn’t want to grow, he is taking the bait of her masculine protectiveness. If he can’t see past it, he has just been dominated by her “strongest” parents’ masculine mirror. She had no conscious choice in being born into this mirror, and she should not be admonished for accurately mirroring false data.
Her distorted masculine doesn’t want to grow because it thinks that the Godlike masculine should have to make its choices without an equally surrendered feminine counterpart. The feminine version of growth therefore is releasing the clenching around what she deeply wants and doesn’t think is actually possible, AKA letting go of an immature gender idealism. Her needs being actually met consistently allow her to surrender to this more honest masculine mirror.
Happy to answer any questions about this and feel free to share.
<3 Joshua
Lead Storyweaver
Joshua Edjida is a multidimensional artist, experience designer, author, public speaker/comedian, and transformational leadership facilitator. Originally from California, he currently lives in Colorado, and also enjoys traveling in Thailand, Bali, or in Europe.
