I Don’t Know What I Don’t Know
Years ago, when I started my “journey”, I alienated a lot of friends. I became a zealot for personal transformation. An untapped aspect of myself became activated and I became absolutely fixated on transformation. I did not have the ability to talk about anything else.
These days, I can be a bit more of a “normal” person. I can have conversations without a “spiritual agenda”. I can make new friends without subtly trying to indoctrinate them into a new way of thinking. I am truly curious about people, outside of what they think about me.
That said, I may share what I do in the field of trauma healing, but my identity is much less connected to it after a series of processes I have been through.
Even though some of this feels embarrassing to share, I want to be really clear about what I’ve been going through. The changes inside of me have been vast, a lot to digest. I know I am doing this for the whole world, so it feels important to share this.
In my innocence, I was being subtly driven to help people for selfish reasons. Even though I didn’t hurt anybody (I did disappoint some people), I was really hurting myself in the process.
“I don’t know what I don’t know” means I didn’t realize I had a subconscious agenda until I realized it.
Even if the help I provided has been really helpful, even if I am good at what I do, even if people come back for more because it really helped them.
Being right with myself means being crystal clear on my motives.
The hard truth is: I had deeply unconscious cult leader conditioning. Discovering and processing it in my sacral area has been incredibly painful (and also very exciting).
Through the “perfect storm” of work, relationships, information, feelings, and events…I was lead into the unavoidable reflections…and the realization that all of my hard work was not “just” for helping people, but also for me to have a sense of pride.
And not healthy pride in my own work, but an unhealthy pride of “being somebody”.
Being recognized as a pioneer. Being lauded as a visionary. Being complimented as a “conscious” and even “humble” person. What irony. “Please stroke my ego and tell me how humble I am”.
Ladies and Gentlemen (and beyond), much of who I am has been a show. A synthesized array of manufactured personalities designed to create the illusion of having it all together. Having all the answers. A performance designed to show off that I have more than I actually think I have.
In a way, it was a show just for me. It was a way for me to move forward in the direction of being the man I wanted to be. It was “fake it till you make it” on a very deep level.
My ego fixation in the enneagram system is a type 3 “The Performer”. Makes sense. I bring people into The Quantum Theater and perform with them for a living.
My subtype is “self preservational”, which of the 3 subtypes looks the least like a 3. It is the hardest to spot. Instead of our vanity being overtly displayed with fancy stuff, it is covertly displayed through humble bragging.
But then I became like an actor who got lost in his role.
My performances got so good that I believed them myself.
I am watching closely at my performance in writing this now, tempted to demonstrate yet again how conscious I am. How “courageous” I am to reveal all of my internal world. The actual most courageous thing I can do is just to laugh at myself and love myself anyway. It’s all good. I just want to be loved. Understandable.
I am acknowledging the temptation to put all of my languaging “in the past” so I can proudly say “I’ve emerged squeaky clean”!
The sin of the type 3 is self-deceit. “I can be whoever I want to be” taken too far, to the extreme.
This is a process of humbling myself to reveal who I truly am. To come out of hiding, one step at a time.
The type 3 is afraid that if they are their true selves that “something bad will happen”. This is very true.
I have had fears of going insane if I really allow myself to come out fully.
I have had fears of becoming violent, and so on.
All of this is conditioning designed to prevent me from being powerful and effective without needing approval for it.
I trust myself to sort out what is true and what’s not.
I trust myself to receive feedback from people who can see my willingness to listen.
I trust myself to constantly reveal more, intentionally, even if it feels threatening.
I am committed to Her, the heart of honesty. That which humbles me time and time again.
Ever blossoming and unfolding, truth growing inside me every day.
Thank you for reading❤️
Joshua
